What a day....
I still wonder if I truly knew what I was getting myself into. I don't think I did... I was going for more of the Bill Cosby in my office lifestyle instead of the House of God.. you're a scrub until you make it lifestyle. This job continues to stretch and push me in ways I could never imagine.
Today...
I caught the bus at 6:21 am..
I told a family member their loved one was dying by 8:30 am.
Realized that I am no longer phased by platelet counts in single digits by 9 am.
I answered at least 50 phone calls by noon.
My work phone died by 1pm.
1:40pm a consultant basically stopped me mid consult (i.e. recognized the silly nature of the consult)
and never called me back.
My favorite and sweetest patient crashed by 1:45pm..
An anesthesiologist looked at me crazy by 2:15pm and asked "who is making the decisions here"
I realized by 3pm even when I think I know who is making the decision... I really don't.
By 5pm I realized that many of my families believe that their family member will be healed and a miracle will be performed... and that the MD in me still has a hard time rationalizing this despite my faith. And I often want to tell them that God's healing is greater and bigger than any of my moment to moment decisions...
By 5:45 pm I realized once again I was not going to make it to the dry cleaners to pick up my coat..
6pm.. I huslted through the lobby while a very portly man was being held down by 5 security men.. I felt a rapid response coming. And literally ran in my heels in front of the bus to catch it. I play no games with that septa.
6:45pm Decided to get a run in.. despite being at work 11 hours... cause being single and plump is not the business. yeah.. my priorities need work :0
And at the end of all this... I ask myself so many questions... Can I continue to stay compassionate and sensitive? When will I feel comfortable with these life and death situations. Sometimes I wonder if the decisions I make really make a difference... Overall I have soooo much to learn. After this one year of fast paced day to day decision making will I have the experience and knowledge that I need to lead another lost and confused intern through the chaos of medicine??
The organized chaos of medicine....... the saga continues..
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