Quiet time to think is what I love most. I often fight the battle of balancing the need for stillness with the need for progress and forward movement. The sound of stillness, reflection, water on a quiet spring day can feed my soul and leave me refreshed. Sometimes this is all I can do to keep myself moving forward in this battle called doctoring/life. I know at the same time I have to stay eager, energetic, and curious.
Today I found a quiet moment on the Schuylkill river. Sleep deprived, hungry and dehydrated I put my running shoes and went for it. It's amazing what you think about when you're running. You may run from your home, job, significant other.. but you can't run from your thoughts.
My thoughts kept coming back to a re occurring theme. Valuing myself, knowing my heart and protecting my spirit. As many twenty something women the themes of career, love, God, companionship have left me vulnerable. The things that once made me fearless and brave now make me timid and fearful. In the pursuit of dreams, achievements, status have I protected my spirit. Have I valued myself? Am i bold and fearless in the decisions that define my life? Have I forgotten the things that sustain me? Did I share my spirit, inner self, and joy with unworthy and unappreciative people. Yep. I probably.
And what did that leave me feeling like on the other side. Empty and wondering why.
Sitting on the Schuylkill today I found the beauty in this reflection. I learned that I still love my stillness and solitude. For now... running solo is a metaphor for my life. Taking it one step at a time. But I'm not really alone. I know this. I'm vulnerable yet stronger. Knowing that hurtful things in my life now come with age and sometimes hurt a little deeper than expected. but these experiences add depth. richness and layers of me. Yeah that acknowledgement was there last week and can't even look your way this week or speak your name. But it's ok. Because my depth has impact. Acknowledgement from the unworthy would take away from my depth. So don't worry. You're not worthy anyway. :)
Just a little reflection. Interpret as you will.
Stay beautiful.
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