Anyway......
Stillness apparently in the life of an intern is a rare thing. I recently learned that after complaining for 6 months that I needed time off....I did not know what to do with my vacation!!! I felt bored without my job... and also felt bored with aspects of my personal life. Although I was bored.. I was wayyyyy too tired to do anything about it. I was however NOT too tired to shop :) When bored I kept reminding myself of night float shifts, 80+ hour work weeks and balancing the position of inferiority and superiority which essentially is what being an intern is all about.
During this time of stillness I thought about the question that Sheryl Sandberg has brought up in her latest book. Lean In. Am I leaning whole heatedly into my career? or am i ALREADY leaning back??
I already ask myself these questions and answer accordingly Well......Do I want to be a cardiologist?? I want a family one day. Do I want to to be a primary care physician?? I want to be able to work part time. Do I want to be in the specialty where I have to be assertive all day? Or will this take away from the role of loving wife and mother that I hope to one day enjoy. What will be more important for me in the hospital..things getting done the correct way or folks around me "liking" me? Or can I just be the loving, nurturing side of myself in the outpatient setting and have my own practice with a staff that I can control and hire people that I like :)...
And you know what is funny is that I answer many of these questions based on the family that I DO NOT HAVE!!! SOOO then I ask myself... Am i already leaning back?? Is it fatigue. I have essentially been on this doctor hustle since.. forever. Is it fear?? fear of my potential. fear of being seen as the angry black woman..
But then what is faith right?? Faith is believing in what you cannot see. And I'm believing that while I cannot see this husband and kid right now that it is already done for me. right? hmmm.
Basically the answer is I do nott have an answer to why I'm already trying to lean back or maybe I'm about to really lean in!! i was just resting up. All I know is like my boy Abraham.. He had no clue where he was going.. and just went. that's what i need. a little less israelite circling in the wilderness.. and a little more just obey and go.
Well friends. I'm back :) With more questions and experiences from philly. I think I have REALLY missed writing my thoughts out on the blog.
for my career girls out there. What's the deal. Are you falling back? Or leaning in ??
Hebrews 11:8. By faith abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
Since I've been away SOOO Long. A few pics ;)
Yeah 26 going on 27 is still fly #Preservingthesexy
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| New years brunch with the hometown crew :) had that new hair color though :0 |
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| Christmas day :) |
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| My sister from another mother. Love u chels! |
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| My philly partner in crime. Dr. Janelle in the bulding |
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| brunchin it. |
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| The best dates I've had since i've been to philly. Kev and Mark they take care of me ;) |
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| the philly crew minus janelle.... MIA? |
2 comments:
I totally understand the clash of being assertive in the hospital and being a loving mother at home. I felt that even third year taught me to speak a certain way and do things with a certain amount of efficiency that sometimes clashes when I'm wit Aaron because he is so laid back. I don't really care for attitudes the hospital has taught me and hope that I'll be able to further shake them as a psychiatrist...guess I'm leaning back. However, I really liked the scripture you posted. I need to learn from Abraham and jump into my internship without doubts. God's got me!
I saw the interview about the book and it really made me think about it as well. I realized I am leaning back, according to her perspective. But I've also taken the time to realize what is important to ME. Yes, I want to be very successful in my career, but I believe the most important job that you have in life is not the one that you receive a paycheck from. Why is it not more valued to put time into being a great mother? Why is being an awesome wife considered selling yourself short. Your children is your gift to the world, would you not want to put time and energy into making sure that you did all you can to ensure your family legacy go on with a positive outlook?
Of course I am in a similar position where I am far from being a wife or a mother, yet I have put the past how many years thinking about my career and have to some extent neglected my personal life; so at what point do I realize what balance will make me happy?
Love the post girl. We must catch up soon! Sounds like we are going on a somewhat parallel journey through both personal and professional life in SO many ways!
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