Where is the senior?

Apparently my web presence has been missed.

Wellllll I'm here to deliver.

Tonight I decided to take some time ..listen to some music, light a candle and write.

Things have changed but in many ways have stayed the same. Still exhausted from work, still single and doing me, and getting my namaste on when i can. But never the less. Grateful.

The greatest change has been my growth as a doctor.  A new group of interns has hit the wards. For some the enthusiastic interns remind them of how thankfully close they are to the end of residency.. For me it reminds me how much I've grown as a clinician. It reminds me of how much I've learned from touching the hands, hearts and lives of sooo many patients. I honestly cannot remember many patients from my first 6 months of intern year. It is allll a blur. I remember having a headache EVERY day. Being upset about something EVERYDAY. I remember saying things on rounds...and still worry that it had no coherence, relevance or purpose. And then suddenly the clouds cleared... Things started making sense.

Now... somehow a midst the extreme physical fatigue. I smile more. I laugh more. I face fearful situations head on. I recognize and face antagonistic situations without anger or frustration. Folks come at me crazy and i refuse to give it the same amount of energy. The nurse asks "where is the senior?" and I no longer nervously answer..   I'm comfortable with saying I don't know. I recognize a great mentor and doctor quickly and continue to be an energetic student when I have a dynamic attending.

Thank goodness things got better.

Recently I've been lucky enough to have the time to take casual walks around the hospital with many of my patients and truthfully these walks are as much for the patients as they are for me. Yesterday I learned that my patient didn't think I should get a tattoo, I learned how to use checker board pieces as dye for tattoos, I learned that trust can be gained even from the most upset of the upset patients, one patient was one of twenty something children.... (thank God for birth control), and my patients LOVE when i wear my hair out.

I find these moments the most refreshing. I may never know every drug mechanism or rare disease but I know people. And that is irreplaceable.

I say all this to say.... Growth comes with patience. Great Doctoring comes with time. Stillness is a blessing.

So yes.. I'm the senior. One more year. Jesus be a fence cause I'm tired :) lol. But i'm alllll most done.

And I still love philly.