Where is the senior?

Apparently my web presence has been missed.

Wellllll I'm here to deliver.

Tonight I decided to take some time ..listen to some music, light a candle and write.

Things have changed but in many ways have stayed the same. Still exhausted from work, still single and doing me, and getting my namaste on when i can. But never the less. Grateful.

The greatest change has been my growth as a doctor.  A new group of interns has hit the wards. For some the enthusiastic interns remind them of how thankfully close they are to the end of residency.. For me it reminds me how much I've grown as a clinician. It reminds me of how much I've learned from touching the hands, hearts and lives of sooo many patients. I honestly cannot remember many patients from my first 6 months of intern year. It is allll a blur. I remember having a headache EVERY day. Being upset about something EVERYDAY. I remember saying things on rounds...and still worry that it had no coherence, relevance or purpose. And then suddenly the clouds cleared... Things started making sense.

Now... somehow a midst the extreme physical fatigue. I smile more. I laugh more. I face fearful situations head on. I recognize and face antagonistic situations without anger or frustration. Folks come at me crazy and i refuse to give it the same amount of energy. The nurse asks "where is the senior?" and I no longer nervously answer..   I'm comfortable with saying I don't know. I recognize a great mentor and doctor quickly and continue to be an energetic student when I have a dynamic attending.

Thank goodness things got better.

Recently I've been lucky enough to have the time to take casual walks around the hospital with many of my patients and truthfully these walks are as much for the patients as they are for me. Yesterday I learned that my patient didn't think I should get a tattoo, I learned how to use checker board pieces as dye for tattoos, I learned that trust can be gained even from the most upset of the upset patients, one patient was one of twenty something children.... (thank God for birth control), and my patients LOVE when i wear my hair out.

I find these moments the most refreshing. I may never know every drug mechanism or rare disease but I know people. And that is irreplaceable.

I say all this to say.... Growth comes with patience. Great Doctoring comes with time. Stillness is a blessing.

So yes.. I'm the senior. One more year. Jesus be a fence cause I'm tired :) lol. But i'm alllll most done.

And I still love philly.

What are your views on texting?

Well well well. This post is long over due. Finally a good friend asked me this epic question...

"What are your views on texting?"

Let me get straight to the point.
I AM SO OVER TEXT MESSAGES.

I call it the "texting without a purpose" phenomenon. I wish I could go back 50 yrs and see what dating was like pre cell phones, facebook, instagram, twitter. All of it.
I can only speak from my experience as a young 27 yr old woman.... but I get more whats up texts then I would like to admit.

Not only do I get a lot of "whats up" texts.. I also get "Hi", "Hey", an occasional "yo" and "wyd"

I know what you're thinking. This cannot be what my dating life has come to...

Oh but it is. And not surprisingly the bored Mr. Texters all text at the same hours of the day. High volume times are Friday nights between 8-10pm and once again on Saturday night.. usually a little earlier... between 6pm and 10pm.  Sometimes I cant keep up.  But the real question is..... why even keep up. These bored texters, Instagram messengers and facebook messages never appropriately inquire about myself or my time.
oh! And I forgot how they text u one syllable... then when you respond they don't respond for hours. #icant lol. I really cannot deal. anymore.

So what has this overwhelming amount of whats up texts amounted too. Not much....

It HAS stirred up good conversation and questions when hanging with the crew. Some seem so simple yet...complex

- Can a person actually successfully date in these modern times without texting?

- Do men even call anymore?

Welllll for now I do not have the answers to the text message conundrum. I do know I'm over it...  For lent I'm giving up bread and texts :)

What are your thoughts ?!?!

reflections from a young doctor

Its been a while folks....

but these thoughts have been on my mind for awhile.

What do you really expect from your doctor??  Do you expect them to make you feel better, save your life, extend your life, take all your pain away, relieve suffering..?

And for my doctor friends...?? What are the limits of our roles. How do you reconcile the limitations of life and our profession with the expectations of society.


Recently I was working in a hospital ward that was primarily for the care of the elderly. I felt myself realizing that I was encountering most of these patients in the last days or months of their lives and wondering what I was actually doing for them...  Everyday rounding on frail adults that could not communicate, make eye contact, did not know whether I even entered the room, a few knew their names and even fewer had the strength to feed themselves. Each day I entered, listened to the heart of 90 yr old ms H and the lungs of 94 yr old mr S and avoided the bed sore wounds of 85 yr old mr L. Wondering more about the earlier lives of my patients, the children that they raised, the burdens that they carried..the things that they've seen. But now... none of them could tell me. I'm left to wonder......    I continue to do my job, ask phlebotomy to access veins for labs, treat infections, in my heart begging families not to ask me to do cpr in their 90 yr old loved one...   and still I wonder if this is what the last days of these sovereign lives is supposed to look like. In a cold uniform room with a food tray waiting to be fed to you.

I also thought I would one day help people feel better and not endure suffering. I honestly can say sometimes I'm not sure if that's what I'm doing. Each of us is to leave this earth at some point... and is this the infection that is to allow you to rest and meet God. Am I the reason you continue to lay in this bed... unable to see your maker. Questions I ponder. When does the natural process of life become impeded by the "Do everything you can doctor" way of our society.  Last week I had a patient say to me..."I just want to rest."  One week later I'm watching doctors replace heart valves in 90 yr olds....

And who is responsible for this culture that we the doctors can prevent death... We usually don't respect a treatment unless it changes "mortality"... or are the patients responsible... who often sue when a loved one unexpectedly dies..... I'm not sure. Chicken and the egg maybe..

I will close my thoughts with the beauty in the end. Hearing about the vibrancy that once was someone's life. Seeing the love that they shared with their spouse since the age of 20... seeing the love and appreciation their descendants have for them.. one 90 yr old told me she wanted some weed... (that made me smile). I think she can have all the herb she wants. lol. And one 87 yr old put her fingers in my sternum when I told her she should go home and not spend the night with her 92 yr old hospitalized husband... and again the next day when she had no food tray... Sometimes patients are package deals lol. She was all of 5ft and ready to take me out.

Although I don't know the answer to these questions... these are just the thoughts I ponder...
I pray we can give our frail and elderly the dignity they deserve and allow them to rest when it is time.


Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted
A time to kill and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to dance
A time to weep and a time to laugh a time to mourn and time to dance
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep and a time to cast away
A time to rend and a time to sew a time to keep silence a time to speak
A time to love and a time to hate a time of war and a time of peace

Upcoming posts...  a feel like speaking on dating soon.. :) stay tuned.