When I think of the three things that define my life right now there are three words that come to mind.
Blackness, Faith, and Medicine.
All so familiar but all so new at the same time. Let me explain. Although I have known these themes all my life in some way or another never before have I been so aware of them.
Let's start with my blackness. I mean don't get my wrong. I've always known I was black. But being a doctor has brought new life to the word. Everyday there are moments for me that I'm reminded that I am a black doctor: The excitement or anxiety that comes across my patient's face when I say I'm the doctor. The gentleness that I must approach non black patient's with when I say I'm the doctor. Almost giving the moment of shock a chance to settle. The moment when the patient says, "Where we going?" Cause of course they always think I'm transport taking them to xray. The worst feeling is the sense of resistance that you feel from nurses, techs, fellow doctors who simply do not want to respect you, take orders from you or listen to you because you're black. It's something you can't explain. For example, yesterday I made a concerted effort to greet all of my nurses, ask them how their night was going and to include them in the plan of action but then later on in the shift it was reported to the senior that I was "rude." I would be lying if I said I wasn't upset. I was so angry I could have cried. I have no idea how people in the civil rights movement were so strong and stoic. Being non violent and having the strength to love. The unfortunate thing is that these moments happen all the time. Some days are significantly worse than others. But why didn't anyone tell me!! Was I living in a bubble of protected blackness? I think I walked into this thinking that being a black doctor would be fine. I thought at the least it would be comforting for my patients not actually fearful for others. Who knew I would deal with craziness on a regular basis. I find the biggest challenge is not letting the anger and subliminal racism not damage my spirit. Protecting my heart. Continuing to love. Fighting for my sense of kindness despite the world wanting to crush it. I shall continue to fight for my tender heart.
Now let's talk about faith. This one is complex. Especially when dealing with my patients. If I ever were to get a tattoo it would say, "faith in the unseen." I mean that's what faith is. It's believing in what you can't see. How does this affect me in medicine... ? It's that feeling that I can see what my patient's can't see. I often feel so torn when I see my patient's praying and hoping for a miracle. Although they cannot see what I see.. They believe. For me I almost feel like I can see too much. I have too much information. I can see that the cancer has infiltrated every organ in their body, I can see that we as doctors have no cure for this disease or that this heart has not beat in over 30 minutes and that there is no activity in this brain. How do you reconcile this as a believer? I often wish I could go back to the time when I didn't have the MD. Someone last week asked my why does it seem like the black patient's never want to let their families go and seem to be very spiritual. I simply said, Faith and hope is what being black in the USA is about. Hope got us through slavery. Hope got Obama elected :) Hope is what I have when I see all my beautiful single educated friends still out here. Hope is what I must have when I see another young black man in the ED from a gun shot wound or that all of my incarcerated patients are black. So yes my people have a lot of faith and hope. Its what we need to survive. You loose this faith and you might end up the crazy man on the septa bus yelling everyone is racist. No one needs that. I remember how unwavering my faith was in college and med school. There was absolutely nothing that could tell me things I couldn't see weren't going to happen. I gotta get back to that. I blame it on me "seeing" too much. Gotta get back to that believing what I can't see.
Finally good ol Medicine. This one will be brief. I gotta figure this medicine thing out. It consumes my life. I give it 80plus hrs a week, I give it my quality sleep at night, I've given it the last 9 yrs of my life, might've been wifed up by now if it wasn't for this md thang and I still at times don't know. I know. You're thinking. Bri you better figure it out and quick. Working on it. Somehow my journey is telling me that medicine might not be the most interesting chapter of my book. The major question right now is do I specialize or not? To be determined...
Alright... enough contemplating for one night. Maybe some colorful posts coming soon about dating in philly or the lack there of.. :) coming soon.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
warm room and a sandwich
Its been awhile... I know. Lets just jump right in.
Today I had that moment where I asked myself.. Have I lost myself? Sitting next to an excited, enthusiastic medical student I realized in that moment where my spirit used to be and where I am currently headed without rapid, solid intervention.
Tonight I started my shift with dread, darn near tears. I just couldn't understand why I was being forced to walk away from my cozy home through the snow to the hospital and this after doing absolutely nothing all day. Walking to the hospital I kept wondering.. I hope no one comes in super sick.. I'm praying for sore throats.... runny noses... even a dog bite.. diagnosis that take relatively no thinking and I could treat in my sleep. And don't let them be old I prayed.. smh. With each decade I must use more areas of my brain..
I know this is bad...
I sign up for my first patient... And wait a minute.. She was just in the ED less than 12 hours ago. She must be cold with nowhere to go. I walk in... She has her suitcases.. and her flight of ideas are bounding off the walls and the frustrations of everyone in the room. "I need my meds, Can I get some tea, do I get a sandwich.."
What do I do...
Fine. Its cold. We let her stay overnight I say..
First the primary nurse says.. "Are we really letting her stay?"
Then another nurse comes to me to say, "did you read about this lady..? She was just here."
Then the primary nurse from yesterday with more frustration and anger then I expected says.. "I explicitly told her what to come back for.. She is crazy and needs a psych eval. I don't even think she left the waiting room when i discharged her. Why does she have her bags?"
Just having read my little devotion... I had just enough patience to make it through her frustrated speech.
I walk around the unit thinking the situation has passed. The attending said she is saying so its done.. right? Wrong.
Then there is the huddle of nurses... All glaring in my direction. I stop and say "What?" (WRONG move..)
To say the least everyone was heated with me for letting this homeless woman stay in the ED overnight. I would have been the hero and favorite resident of the night for putting this poor woman in the cold overnight. As I walk away from the huddle of frustrated nurses... I am disappointed in so many things.
Disappointed that they did not realize their frustrations were displaced. I'm not the enemy. I'm just the one tasked with telling them.. because we have no resources for this lady, yes I'm sorry you are left with more work for the night. Disappointed that after going to medical school to "help people".. On a Saturday night in West Philly I have nothing more to offer this poor woman than a sandwich and a warm room until 6am. Letting her stay until 6am didn't take any critical thinking on my part.. No complex problem skills were needed. No assertiveness was needed.. She would require no more thinking of myself for the rest of the night.
The former not burnt out self before residency would have given the nurses a passionate speech back and demanded to the attending that we come up with a more thought out solution.
I simply let the moment pass... trying to conserve as much of my energy as I could for the 10 hours left in the shift.
.
Would things be better if I worked less and had more energy for these moments.. or is it the system? We have multi million dollar research buildings for cells and rats to run around in. But no where for me to send this lady to sleep...
I left this shift wondering where my sense of self and hopefulness about medicine had disappeared too..
I think 2014 will be dedicated to finding the sense of hope in medicine that led me to choose this profession.
These are just the thoughts in my head at 1am on a Saturday night..
Today I had that moment where I asked myself.. Have I lost myself? Sitting next to an excited, enthusiastic medical student I realized in that moment where my spirit used to be and where I am currently headed without rapid, solid intervention.
Tonight I started my shift with dread, darn near tears. I just couldn't understand why I was being forced to walk away from my cozy home through the snow to the hospital and this after doing absolutely nothing all day. Walking to the hospital I kept wondering.. I hope no one comes in super sick.. I'm praying for sore throats.... runny noses... even a dog bite.. diagnosis that take relatively no thinking and I could treat in my sleep. And don't let them be old I prayed.. smh. With each decade I must use more areas of my brain..
I know this is bad...
I sign up for my first patient... And wait a minute.. She was just in the ED less than 12 hours ago. She must be cold with nowhere to go. I walk in... She has her suitcases.. and her flight of ideas are bounding off the walls and the frustrations of everyone in the room. "I need my meds, Can I get some tea, do I get a sandwich.."
What do I do...
Fine. Its cold. We let her stay overnight I say..
First the primary nurse says.. "Are we really letting her stay?"
Then another nurse comes to me to say, "did you read about this lady..? She was just here."
Then the primary nurse from yesterday with more frustration and anger then I expected says.. "I explicitly told her what to come back for.. She is crazy and needs a psych eval. I don't even think she left the waiting room when i discharged her. Why does she have her bags?"
Just having read my little devotion... I had just enough patience to make it through her frustrated speech.
I walk around the unit thinking the situation has passed. The attending said she is saying so its done.. right? Wrong.
Then there is the huddle of nurses... All glaring in my direction. I stop and say "What?" (WRONG move..)
To say the least everyone was heated with me for letting this homeless woman stay in the ED overnight. I would have been the hero and favorite resident of the night for putting this poor woman in the cold overnight. As I walk away from the huddle of frustrated nurses... I am disappointed in so many things.
Disappointed that they did not realize their frustrations were displaced. I'm not the enemy. I'm just the one tasked with telling them.. because we have no resources for this lady, yes I'm sorry you are left with more work for the night. Disappointed that after going to medical school to "help people".. On a Saturday night in West Philly I have nothing more to offer this poor woman than a sandwich and a warm room until 6am. Letting her stay until 6am didn't take any critical thinking on my part.. No complex problem skills were needed. No assertiveness was needed.. She would require no more thinking of myself for the rest of the night.
The former not burnt out self before residency would have given the nurses a passionate speech back and demanded to the attending that we come up with a more thought out solution.
I simply let the moment pass... trying to conserve as much of my energy as I could for the 10 hours left in the shift.
.
Would things be better if I worked less and had more energy for these moments.. or is it the system? We have multi million dollar research buildings for cells and rats to run around in. But no where for me to send this lady to sleep...
I left this shift wondering where my sense of self and hopefulness about medicine had disappeared too..
I think 2014 will be dedicated to finding the sense of hope in medicine that led me to choose this profession.
These are just the thoughts in my head at 1am on a Saturday night..
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