Blackness, Faith, Medicine

When I think of the three things that define my life right now there are three words that come to mind.

Blackness, Faith, and Medicine.

All so familiar but all so new at the same time. Let me explain. Although I have known these themes all my life in some way or another never before have I been so aware of them.

Let's start with my blackness. I mean don't get my wrong. I've always known I was black. But being a doctor has brought new life to the word. Everyday there are moments for me that I'm reminded that I am a black doctor: The excitement or anxiety that comes across my patient's face when I say I'm the doctor. The gentleness that I must approach non black patient's with when I say I'm the doctor. Almost giving the moment of shock a chance to settle. The moment when the patient says, "Where we going?" Cause of course they always think I'm transport taking them to xray. The worst feeling is the sense of resistance that you feel from nurses, techs, fellow doctors who simply do not want to respect you, take orders from you or listen to you because you're black. It's something you can't explain. For example, yesterday I made a concerted effort to greet all of my nurses, ask them how their night was going and to include them in the plan of action but then later on in the shift it was reported to the senior that I was "rude." I would be lying if I said I wasn't upset. I was so angry I could have cried. I have no idea how people in the civil rights movement were so strong and stoic. Being non violent and having the strength to love. The unfortunate thing is that these moments happen all the time. Some days are significantly worse than others. But why didn't anyone tell me!! Was I living in a bubble of protected blackness? I think I walked into this thinking that being a black doctor would be fine. I thought at the least it would be comforting for my patients not actually fearful for others. Who knew I would deal with craziness on a regular basis. I find the biggest challenge is not letting the anger and subliminal racism not damage my spirit. Protecting my heart. Continuing to love. Fighting for my sense of kindness despite the world wanting to crush it. I shall continue to fight for my tender heart.

Now let's talk about faith. This one is complex. Especially when dealing with my patients. If I ever were to get a tattoo it would say, "faith in the unseen." I mean that's what faith is. It's believing in what you can't see. How does this affect me in medicine... ? It's that feeling that I can see what my patient's can't see. I often feel so torn when I see my patient's praying and hoping for a miracle. Although they cannot see what I see.. They believe. For me I almost feel like I can see too much. I have too much information. I can see that the cancer has infiltrated every organ in their body, I can see that we as doctors have no cure for this disease or that this heart has not beat in over 30 minutes and that there is no activity in this brain. How do you reconcile this as a believer?  I often wish I could go back to the time when I didn't have the MD. Someone last week asked my why does it seem like the black patient's never want to let their families go and seem to be very spiritual. I simply said, Faith and hope is what being black in the USA is about. Hope got us through slavery. Hope got Obama elected :) Hope is what I have when I see all my beautiful single educated friends still out here. Hope is what I must have when I see another young black man in the ED from a gun shot wound or that all of my incarcerated patients are black. So yes my people have a lot of faith and hope. Its what we need to survive. You loose this faith and you might end up the crazy man on the septa bus yelling everyone is racist. No one needs that. I remember how unwavering my faith was in college and med school. There was absolutely nothing that could tell me things I couldn't see weren't going to happen. I gotta get back to that. I blame it on me "seeing" too much. Gotta get back to that believing what I can't see.

Finally good ol Medicine. This one will be brief. I gotta figure this medicine thing out. It consumes my life. I give it 80plus hrs a week, I give it my quality sleep at night, I've given it the last 9 yrs of my life, might've been wifed up by now if it wasn't for this md thang and I still at times don't know. I know. You're thinking. Bri you better figure it out and quick. Working on it. Somehow my journey is telling me that medicine might not be the most interesting chapter of my book.  The major question right now is do I specialize or not? To be determined...

Alright... enough contemplating for one night. Maybe some colorful posts coming soon about dating in philly or the lack there of.. :)  coming soon.

warm room and a sandwich

Its been awhile... I know. Lets just jump right in.


Today I had that moment where I asked myself.. Have I lost myself? Sitting next to an excited, enthusiastic medical student I realized in that moment where my spirit used to be and where I am currently headed without rapid, solid intervention.

Tonight I started my shift with dread, darn near tears. I just couldn't understand why I was being forced to walk away from my cozy home through the snow to the hospital and this after doing absolutely nothing all day. Walking to the hospital I kept wondering.. I hope no one comes in super sick.. I'm praying for sore throats.... runny noses... even a dog bite.. diagnosis that take relatively no thinking and I could treat in my sleep. And don't let them be old I prayed.. smh. With each decade I must use more areas of my brain..
I know this is bad...
I sign up for my first patient... And wait a minute.. She was just in the ED less than 12 hours ago. She must be cold with nowhere to go. I walk in... She has her suitcases.. and her flight of ideas are bounding off the walls and the frustrations of everyone in the room. "I need my meds, Can I get some tea, do I get a sandwich.."
What do I do...
Fine. Its cold. We let her stay overnight I say..
First the primary nurse says.. "Are we really letting her stay?"
Then another nurse comes to me to say, "did you read about this lady..? She was just here."
Then the primary nurse from yesterday with more frustration and anger then I expected says.. "I explicitly told her what to come back for.. She is crazy and needs a psych eval. I don't even think she left the waiting room when i discharged her. Why does she have her bags?"
Just having read my little devotion... I had just enough patience to make it through her frustrated speech.
I walk around the unit thinking the situation has passed. The attending said she is saying so its done.. right? Wrong.
Then there is the huddle of nurses... All glaring in my direction. I stop and say "What?" (WRONG move..)

To say the least everyone was heated with me for letting this homeless woman stay in the ED overnight. I would have been the hero and favorite resident of the night for putting this poor woman in the cold overnight. As I walk away from the huddle of frustrated nurses... I am disappointed in so many things.
Disappointed that they did not realize their frustrations were displaced. I'm not the enemy. I'm just the one tasked with telling them.. because we have no resources for this lady, yes I'm sorry you are left with more work for the night. Disappointed that after going to medical school to "help people".. On a Saturday night in West Philly I have nothing more to offer this poor woman than a sandwich and a warm room until 6am. Letting her stay until 6am didn't take any critical thinking on my part.. No complex problem skills were needed. No assertiveness was needed.. She would require no more thinking of myself for the rest of the night.
The former not burnt out self before residency would have given the nurses a passionate speech back and demanded to the attending that we come up with a more thought out solution.

I simply let the moment pass... trying to conserve as much of my energy as I could for the 10 hours left in the shift.
.
Would things be better if I worked less and had more energy for these moments.. or is it the system? We have multi million dollar research buildings for cells and rats to run around in. But no where for me to send this lady to sleep...

I left this shift wondering where my sense of self and hopefulness about medicine had disappeared too..
I think 2014 will be dedicated to finding the sense of hope in medicine that led me to choose this profession.

These are just the thoughts in my head at 1am on a Saturday night..

Made in America: We did that!

Once again I've seen the light that is vacation. And everyone that knows me... definitely knows I LOVE summer vacations and holidays.

This weekend goes down in history as one of my most memorable Labor Day Weekends ever. It started with my partner in crime Candice coming to enjoy Philly from Raleigh North Carolina.

Once Candice arrived we found Emo and hit the streets. We started with some prepping.. mani pedis and eyebrows. Then we went to some of my favorite restaurants in the city. For dinner we went to Barbuzzo and for brunch my favorite Morning Glory.  There were sooo many stories packed in the weekend... The turn up event at wawa Sunday night, the moment my dress strap broke getting into the cab. Smh. It couldn't handle the thickness I guess. sigh...  Oh and how can I forget Kung fu necktie. Best party ever.


And I cannot even begin to tell all the stories from made in america. The first 10 minutes of arrival Candice and I were feeling hella old.. we were silent. Everyone was turnt up, high on grass and half naked. We were hot, sober and confused. Thank goodness for a few strawberry ritas or there would have been NO hope.
All hope was not loss. We turned it up just a little bit as they say. Music highlights were 2 chainz, calvin harris and it goes without saying beyonce. Other surprises were emeli sande. Miguel was awesome and solange is always grooving.  Oh I cant forget about wiz khalifa. he was fun too.

We packed sooooo much fun in these 3 days.  I'm going to let the pics speak for themselves.

This is the best I could do for my Beyonce shot... I know.

Brunch @ Morning Glory. This was made in america day 2

The festival set up was pretty cool.

Being Grown at Barbuzzo. Love that place!

Bored waiting on queen B. #selfie.

blame it on the ritas...

The sweatbox that was kung fu necktie.

roof top sipping at the hyatt 

Cab shot

kung fu!

still waiting for B..

Thinking about the future ratchet and basic moments that were to come.

from the hyatt

I mean B... Really. We were ready.

Idk whose glasses....

selfie :)

call

8:30 am The day started out hectic. One of those.. I should have arrived 10 minutes earlier type of days.

4pm: The afternoon started with a VIP patient whose family didn't want anything to do with me. Not surprising. It's not the first time. Care gets bumped up the food chain. (see previous post)

8pm: The night continued with the awkward feeling of... Am I really a resident.. And how do I teach an intern when I was just one. shrug.. .here it goes...

3:30am: let me lay my head down. Call door closes. "Bleep Bleep" (text page: ED admit) Darn.

4:30am: Well atleast the admit is super nice and cute.

5am: foggy. I hope everyone has labs... Cause if they don't.. its too late.

6am: rude call from phleb.... After I sent a friendly text. SMH.

630am: Unit clerk, Bri why are your eyes so red. Oh honey she says....  My thought (I hope I don't see anyone cute today ;)  )  and yeah I let a few folks call me Bri :)

7am: Day team is coming in.. Updates, this is what I got. "oh you would've done what? Oh... " :/

8:30am: rounding. Of course we start with VIP.

11:30am.. still rounding

1:00PM  Last patient says... "you come back here. ME: Yes mam. Patient: You know I'm proud of you. Me: You are? Patient: You know why? Cause you look like me :) as she squeezes my cheek. " 

At the end of the day there are always subtly reminders why I do this. 

Lord keep my compassion fresh and passion pure while I deal with the craziness of this job and remember that my people need me. Simply because I look like them. In a country where that is enough to offer comfort before I even open my mouth I hope I continue to walk with confidence, humility and integrity. 

Black in Medicine

http://www.npr.org/2013/05/01/178442772/for-a-black-doctor-building-trust-by-slowing-down?sc=17&f


Last week I was venting to my friend... These nurses keep looking at me funny and they keep asking who I am ?? I clearly have on a name tag and a white coat.
I often have to introduce myself VERY clearly to let people know who I am. HELLO I AM YOUR DOCTOR. NO NOT THE CLEAN UP PERSON, NO NOT RESPIRATORY THERAPY, NO I DONT HAVE YOUR FOOD TRAY....

It is often very frustrating. It is truly a daily battle. If I'm nice I'm still handed attitude, when I'm stern then I'm accused of having an attitude. My decision making capabilities are often questioned and nurses frequently ask my senior the same question after they have spoken to me. I can tell when certain patients are uncomfortable and I have to tread with extra confidence to make them more comfortable.. or when a humble approach will make them more comfortable and trusting.

I say all this to say... I often think these experiences are in my head and that this couldn't really be the daily burden that I deal with. I talk to my friend who is also in medicine... And we say.. .maybe its just our hospital. This article reminded me that it's not just me. The job is hard and being black and doing the job is even harder.

The key take away point is how do I deal with this experience. For now I will do my best to spread love and cheer. Turn bitterness from heart. I will check someone if they REALLY act crazy. Try and remember I'm here for the patients.

AND at the end of the day.... Just knowing I'm not alone in these challenges is enough to help me keep pushing on.


JAM OF THE NIGHT
I would play versace versace versace.. I'm feeling slightly hood.. ;0
I will refrain.

Sooo Fanatasia Kinda did her thing on these two songs.

jam for the weekend

Well... I'm working this weekend.

I will have better updates soon. For now.. .let me share my latest jam.
This is my ish :) Fantasia did her thing on this one. I'm feeling this one.

Have a good weekend!

First night as a resident

The feelings are new. The added level of responsibility. The sounds of a quiet hospital at night.
You hear every buzz and alarm knowing that it's just you, the 30 patients you're covering and a bunch of well intention-ed nurses.

The things I didn't expect my first night alone... When you're alone you think a few seconds longer, consultants are still extremely rude especially the younger the fellow.. floor managers and coordinators are still out to be against residents at every turn, decision and thought.

The great thing about being overnight is the little high you get in the morning when you've made it through the night un-bruised and ego intact. I have many many nights to go and I'm sure many more lessons are in store but I am definitely happy to have survived the first overnight call in one piece


More stories to come.... :)


This just came on my radio  :)  Old School. Gotta Love it.

All the single ladies :)

This goes out to you. Good Read!

http://www.essence.com/2013/07/30/write-or-die-chick-prayer-my-single-friends

The city of brotherly love!!

Philadelphia has SO much to do... that I simply cannot keep up. It is just amazing how this place has come alive over the summer.

Today they have free jazz outside of the art museum from 4pm to 8pm.
http://www.uwishunu.com/2013/07/this-week-at-the-oval-our-top-picks-of-events-demonstrations-and-classes-at-the-pop-up-park-on-the-benjamin-franklin-parkway/

There are two major music festivals in Philadelphia this weekend. Tons of open air markets. Plenty of art festivals, food truck meet ups, movies outdoors and much much more.

oh! Do not forget the national urban league is in town as well. This will add a little spice to the nightlife scene for the weekend.

Too bad I have to work tomorrow and need to be in bed at a decent time. Sighhhhhh

If you live in Philly and you need to know what is going on. You should definitely ALWAYS check out. Uwishunu. The best blog in philly.

Getting that run in. 

quick pizza

Today I must admit that I was feeling a little worn out and in need of some comfort. I was also having the urge to find someone to go out to eat with. I decided after laying across my bed for a while... go run and then buy some food to cook. I have to ration my calories appropriately. I wanted to save them for the weekend ;) While running home I decided to make a quick pizza and get some ingredients from Trader's Joe's.  

This quick little recipe never lets me down. Grab a pizza crust, brush crust with a little olive oil. Put on top whatever you like. I went with fresh mozzarella, tomatoes, green peppers, olives, basil. Once it cooks drizzle with a little balsamic vinaigrette, salt and pepper. Done. 

Delicious. 

Day 1 with no facebook update. I typed in facebook 3 times on accident before realizing I deactivated. Cray cray. Still deciding whether I am giving up instagram.. I feel like I might as well do it all the way.. Go hard or go home.. 

Now about this cake my roomie made. Whew. It may deserve its own post its so good. 

Could you give up facebook? Forever?

Well folks. As always. I have to pose an occasional question.

Could you give up Facebook forever?  What about ALL social media? No twitter, no instagram flexing, no facebook, no pinterest. Nothing. 

What would your life be like?? Would it be better.. ? In what ways? Or maybe you would just have more time to actually enjoy life instead of watching the lives and updates of others. This is a serious question... because people are making careers out of being "personal social media management personnel.."  hey... whatever gets you your gucci bag.. I'm not hating. 

So why am I asking these questions. 

First of all... I KNOW that I am distracted by Facebook. I check it ALL the darn time. when I wake up in the morning, before I go to bed, during the day, I don't think there is a day that goes by where I don't check Facebook.  If I had all those minutes back and put it into something meaningful.... maybe I could have baked a few more cakes, read a few more books and exercised more. I don't even open my Bible as much as I check Facebook. 

Second.... I've always found that Facebook can cause me to compare myself to others in a not so healthy way. I feel like we often want to portray these perfect, happy, spontaneous lives on Facebook.  But is this really the case?  Often I find myself reading depressing posts. After reading I feel equally depressed and could do without the anxiety of someone else's situation.. probably a stranger really... being cast onto me. 

Third. And the fact of the matter is.. I'm praying for big things for myself. And something has to go to make room for these blessings. Facebook is just the first of many. It's time for me to go get some of these things. I need ALL of my minutes. 2 minutes here, 10 minutes here, 5 minutes there. I also need my spirit to be strong. Resilient. Clear.  I'd also rather use this extra time to be out in philly. living my life in reality. 

So then there is the question.. How will people keep up with you? If you need me you will find me.

This is just temporary. My plan is one year. No Facebook.  Still debating about instagram. I do enjoy seeing people's pictures without significant commentary...  Although I will say the occasional.. .boo text message convo pic and I love my this and that and here i am exercising for the 10th time this week.... gets a little "chante's got a man" braggadocios for me.  But what can you do. This is our culture. If know one else knows you have it.. Then you might as well not have it. Men included. SMH. 

SOOOO SAVE MY BLOG ADDRESS. IF you enjoy to keep up with my Philadelphia adventures. Because... tomorrow. I'm signing off. For good. I'm so done.. and need a break. 

She get it from her mama ;)

Yeah my mom is fly 

Well folks Mama B was in the building.

If you missed her... You missed out. Yes my mother always tries to drive me a little bit crazy.. But goodness do I love her.

As most of my friends know my mother is funny and full of quotes. Memorable moments from the past weekend... "You got to use your qualities hun." "You can't take your girls everywhere."  :0
Mama B is definitely on team get briana scooped up. When we went shopping... If it wasn't flattering.. It was not going into the cart. And of course folks know my mom is fly too. She plays no games.

Apparently these were the pants my dad was scooped in. 

The thing I admire most about my mother is how loving she is. She came to my apt.. and got to work. She cooked, cleaned, organized and just made things better. Drove 12 hours to bring my car and STILL did things around my apartment. I was too tired to even clean appropriately before she came. SMH.
I hope one day I can be just a little bit as nurturing and loving as my mother is.

I took mama b to the brooklyn flea

enjoying the flea

enjoying the flea

my mom is hilarious. operation get briana scooped :)

I wish my mom still had this outfit. I would kill it. 

I was looking at this at the flea. talking to the lady who made it. My mother comes up and says.. "You can get your dad to make that." Can't take folks anywhere.. lol. 

JAM OF THE WEEKEND  .. feeling old school :)

Strength to Love

My brother, My trayvon. So thankful for the moments we have shared and the opportunities in life we have been blessed/lucky to enjoy. 

Like so many, I have been doing quite a bit of thinking today. The life of an innocent young man holding a bag of skittles has left me contemplating and asking deeper questions. Moments like these leave many of us feeling bitter, distant and reassuring the already deep emotions that we have about the country we live in. I will admit that after this year of being an intern... my emotions are even harder to stir and I find myself searching for them in pivotal moments like yesterday. When I have trouble finding my emotions or coping I turn to my forefathers.

Today I turned to Martin Luther King Jr. Yes I know.. he was not a perfect man but he was a wise one. And I believe he was gifted with helping the black community channel anger and bitterness into action and love. And today... before I go to work tomorrow to face another day as a black female american physician I needed to regain my strength to love. Today I read  MLK's speech Love in Action which was written while MLK was in a Georgia jail. 

"The potential beauty of human life is constantly made ugly by man's ever recurring song of retaliation." Basically the lesson from the first part of the sermon is that when Jesus was crucified, his most desperate time of despair he asked his father to forgive them for they no not what they do. As MLK said, " He chose to aggressively Love."  Forgiveness... that's deep right. I can't even forgive the nurse who had an attitude with me last week.. 

I guess.. I could go to work angry, look at all my white friends like they are out to get me.. be more distant at work tomorrow as I deal with my own anger over where history has left this country. It still wouldn't bring Trayvon back or change the fact that I worry about my brother's life on a daily basis. I guess that is why my heart is even more deeply saddened..... I know that one man going to prison will not help the children out here struggling to rise above their circumstance, it won't change that Trayvon's mother will never enjoy his laugh or the fact that sooo many black men already think that America has no desire to improve their life or circumstance. Am I jaded from my job? Am I carrying the burdens of black America on my heart too deeply? When I'm at work and I see the 45 yr old homeless man with HIV who has 8 kids somewhere in the community... is it too deep that my heart aches for those essentially fatherless children just as bad as it does for trayvon. And this is everyday...  

I say all this to say... I hope we find the strength to love. To continue to love. To forgive. I will continue to hope that one day our men will feel valued in their own community and the community of others. I will be hopeful that one day America will really decide to invest in our young men. Until then.. I will invest. My energy, My love, my hopefulness. 

Today I'm going to choose love. Or at least try my best :) 

"How often are our lives characterized by a high blood pressure of creeds and an anemia of deeds!" MLK

Luke 23:34
Then Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do." And they divided His garments and cast lots." 

** All quotes are from the book Strength to Love by Martin Luther King Jr. The sermon I read today is titled Love in Action. 

Enjoying Life

i was focused. 

Ohhh goooodnnessss What A WEEK. 

To start things off. I still love summertime :) I'm also starting to love philly. Just a little bit ;) 

I am starting to wonder if my life motto "Work Hard Play Hard" has been a little too much play and not enough work lately... I really do wish I could just travel the world, work part time, have all of my med school debt magically paid off and know everything in medicine all in the same moment. 

Highlight of the WeeK: The barnes museum with quest love. Yep. You heard me. Thanks to a new friend I was able to dance the night away.. A Wednesday night I might add, in the Barnes museum with quest love. 

Thanks to Heineken beer. 

One of my oldest and dearest friends also showed up in Philadelphia ready to have a good time. 

I will say at work today I struggled because of my mid week outing. I really do need my rest :0 The constant battle to be balanced, excel at work, be respected in the work place, enjoy the best things in life, enjoy friends, stay fit, stay grounded, meet people and be THANKFUL for life is always a daily struggle. Medicine always leaves me feeling guilty when I do what regular people do.. smh. I do realize that this summertime pace I'm keeping up... can't last forever.. But for a few more weeks... I'll enjoy it while i can ;0  Eventually I have to buckle down. Get my life together. Maybe do some research... Although I really just want to be a cardiologist in the hood somewhere with my people. Fighting obesity and heart disease one grandma or uncle ray at a time :)  this is to be continued....

For now. 

Rest. Night yall! 

roof top. top of the tower

Decatur's finest. with the homies :)

My philly homie! Ryan! Sad she is going to nyc but beaming with pride! that MBA program better watch out :0 

Kianta Key.. what can we say. 

Summertime Fun

I love summer. If I haven't said this already in my last ten posts :)

July 4th is another summer holiday that I LOVE. sooo no I wasnt at work!! i wasn't in new orleans at the essence fest like originally planned.. But I had a much needed SUPER FUN weekend!!

My fourth of July weekend was surprisingly filled with sooo many old friends, hilarious stories, glorious exchanges of horrible dating stories and laughs for days.

I had to of course share my wackest dating stories of the year....... highlights being the tea and futon story. Summary.. If you're older than 30, lived in your place for at least 3 years.... and actually talk about how nice your place is..... you may want to reconsider the futon, posters on the wall and lack of glassware. :)

I digress.....


I will say I wish someone could have recorded the brunch I had with a few of my lovely friends. This was a conversation that could not have been scripted it was so good. it was filled with a few "amens"... "where you meet him at?", "I blocked him on ALL social media websites" and whatever else we could come up with.

Reoccurring conversations/ themes of the weekend:  of course the state of dating in america.. work/life balance and how i should change my blog title to "the year of the 25.. actually pushing on 30" :0
And even when I thought my weekend was wrapped up I was hilariously schooled on how black women always want the Raheems and not the Ellingtons.. smh.  Yes ladies.. Apparently we always want the dude with no job, lives with his mama but has swag. And the less confident, never heard of swag brotha with a degree is getting passed up and scooped up by others..  Of course I offered a counter argument. The few Ellingtons that we meet have either lost their minds or we just don't meet the Ellingtons at all.

Overall... I had a wonderful weekend. My spirit was rejuvenated by the energy that I felt from my friends, I was encouraged by the hopefulness of all the beautiful black queens as dwade calls gabby that I luckily call my friends!! I was encouraged by the fact that God always provides friends that are at a similar place in the journey of life.



A few posts coming to a blog near you :)

Everything I DO NOT need to see on instagram, facebook, twitter...
My MLK reflection... You know occasionally I have to get serious.
Updates on the get right plan :)

Marvin s in DC

Look who we found! Portia!

Candice laughing out loud. Literally

I think this is when Portia said something hilarious..

Fourth of July cookout with my co workers/philly fam! # funtimes!!! 

after atleast 4 miles in the sun. #lincoln memorial. thank God he freed the slaves! 

MLK monument. Most folks know my fav MLK speech.  (A tough mind and a tender heart ) google it.

Stuntin. 

wheeewww its real out here... 

no he didnt... whewwww Lord.

Portia: I just hope to educate these girls on facebook.. they need help. 

Philly crew! the humidity was real :) we are shiny!

Renae!!! so proud of her! 

definitely had a blast with my LS, and we are still glistening.. that humidity.. :) 

Theme song of the weekend :)