but these thoughts have been on my mind for awhile.
What do you really expect from your doctor?? Do you expect them to make you feel better, save your life, extend your life, take all your pain away, relieve suffering..?
And for my doctor friends...?? What are the limits of our roles. How do you reconcile the limitations of life and our profession with the expectations of society.
Recently I was working in a hospital ward that was primarily for the care of the elderly. I felt myself realizing that I was encountering most of these patients in the last days or months of their lives and wondering what I was actually doing for them... Everyday rounding on frail adults that could not communicate, make eye contact, did not know whether I even entered the room, a few knew their names and even fewer had the strength to feed themselves. Each day I entered, listened to the heart of 90 yr old ms H and the lungs of 94 yr old mr S and avoided the bed sore wounds of 85 yr old mr L. Wondering more about the earlier lives of my patients, the children that they raised, the burdens that they carried..the things that they've seen. But now... none of them could tell me. I'm left to wonder...... I continue to do my job, ask phlebotomy to access veins for labs, treat infections, in my heart begging families not to ask me to do cpr in their 90 yr old loved one... and still I wonder if this is what the last days of these sovereign lives is supposed to look like. In a cold uniform room with a food tray waiting to be fed to you.
I also thought I would one day help people feel better and not endure suffering. I honestly can say sometimes I'm not sure if that's what I'm doing. Each of us is to leave this earth at some point... and is this the infection that is to allow you to rest and meet God. Am I the reason you continue to lay in this bed... unable to see your maker. Questions I ponder. When does the natural process of life become impeded by the "Do everything you can doctor" way of our society. Last week I had a patient say to me..."I just want to rest." One week later I'm watching doctors replace heart valves in 90 yr olds....
And who is responsible for this culture that we the doctors can prevent death... We usually don't respect a treatment unless it changes "mortality"... or are the patients responsible... who often sue when a loved one unexpectedly dies..... I'm not sure. Chicken and the egg maybe..
I will close my thoughts with the beauty in the end. Hearing about the vibrancy that once was someone's life. Seeing the love that they shared with their spouse since the age of 20... seeing the love and appreciation their descendants have for them.. one 90 yr old told me she wanted some weed... (that made me smile). I think she can have all the herb she wants. lol. And one 87 yr old put her fingers in my sternum when I told her she should go home and not spend the night with her 92 yr old hospitalized husband... and again the next day when she had no food tray... Sometimes patients are package deals lol. She was all of 5ft and ready to take me out.
Although I don't know the answer to these questions... these are just the thoughts I ponder...
I pray we can give our frail and elderly the dignity they deserve and allow them to rest when it is time.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted
A time to kill and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to dance
A time to weep and a time to laugh a time to mourn and time to dance
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep and a time to cast away
A time to rend and a time to sew a time to keep silence a time to speak
A time to love and a time to hate a time of war and a time of peace
Upcoming posts... a feel like speaking on dating soon.. :) stay tuned.
